


expecto turtle, like, for real

by misura



Category: Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Animal Transformation, Explicit Language, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:08:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27578285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: Conner's patronus is totally a turtle, shut up, your opinion is irrelevant. (Or: idiots at Hogwarts, with turtles and a random animal transformation, because why not?)
Relationships: Owen Bouchard/Lawrence Dunn/Conner Friel
Comments: 12
Kudos: 9
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	expecto turtle, like, for real

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aroceu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/gifts).



"He's my patronus," Conner said for the dozenth time in maybe ten seconds, and Lawrence decided that enough was enough.

"For the last time: he's not your patronus," he said, adding for good measure, "And I'm not a werewolf," which going by Conner's expression was a mistake.

"I think we both know that at least one of those things is, in fact, totally true, like, for real."

Owen was looking nervous. If Lawrence had been a werewolf _which he was not_ , he would have felt very tempted to bite him. As it was, he merely accepted that Owen wasn't going to be any help here, because the words 'You are wrong' weren't in Owen's dictionary when it came to Conner.

(Come to think about it, they probably weren't in anyone's dictionary, given that it was a sentence, not a word, but eh. Details.)

"All right, fine, your protective spirit animal looks like a turtle," Lawrence said. "Good for you."

"Wait until he's a teenager," Conner said. "One badass ninja coming right up, baby. Isn't that right, Max?"

Miraculously, this seemed a bit much even for Owen. Lawrence suspected it was the idea of competing with a turtle for Conner's affections. "Uh, I think that's mutant turtles."

Conner looked hurt. "He could totally be a mutant. Hey, maybe he'll be able to shoot lasers from his eyes. That'd be pretty cool, eh? Eh?"

"So has anyone studied for that Potions test tomorrow?" Owen asked.

Lawrence had, in fact, studied for the Potions test tomorrow, so he went to bed early and dreamt of pizza and turtles and then he woke up and realized he felt really weird. Like, really fucking weird.

Also, someone was yelling very loudly.

"Oh my god, Maximus, did you just eat Lawrence?"

 _"How stupid are you? I'm right here!"_ Lawrence wanted to say, except that the sound he was making was more - _what the_ fuck _is going on?_

"Owen! Owen! Come quick! Somebody help!"

Lawrence realized Conner looked really tall. His bed seemed to have grown like ten times as big, too, which might mean -

"What?" Yup, that was one big Owen. "Whoa. Is that Maximus? Where's Lawrence?"

_"I'm right here, you idiot."_

"I think Max ate him," Conner said. "Do turtles do that?"

Owen looked at Lawrence. Lawrence tried to look like himself. Conner might be an idiot, but Owen was all right, most of the time. _"Owen. It's me, Lawrence."_

"I thought he was your patronus," Owen said.

"Why would my patronus eat Lawrence? That's totally messed up!" Conner said. "I mean, just because Lawrence is a werewolf, that doesn't make him evil or a threat to me or anything. Right? Right? Oh god, I created a patronus that killed Lawrence! I'm totally the worst friend ever!"

 _"Oh, for fuck's sake,"_ Lawrence said.

"See?" Conner picked him up. Conner's hands were on Lawrence's ... shell, he supposed. It felt kind of weird. Not _bad_ or anything. Kind of intimate, though, like if Lawrence had been his regular self, this would be some pretty gay shit. "Max agrees with me! He's saying it's all my fault, Owen!"

"Um," Owen said. "Maybe we should take him to the infirmary or something?"

Conner clutched Lawrence to his chest. "Are you crazy? They'd kill him! He's a murder turtle! An adorable little murder turtle! I can't let that happen, Owen! He did it for me!"

"Um," Owen said.

_"Guys. Can either of you maybe think like a normal human being for five seconds?"_

"Hagrid?" Owen suggested.

Hagrid did keep a number of dangerous murder animals who were dangerous and murdered people. Lawrence wasn't wildly keen on the idea of finding himself in the middle of them.

"Owen. Sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do," Conner said.

"O-kay?" Owen said.

"I'm hitting the little boy's room, while you write a fake note that says Lawrence had to go home for a family emergency or something."

_"Are you kidding me right now?"_

Lawrence had spent the better part of the day getting jostled about in an improved turtle-sling under Conner's robes. He thought Owen might have appreciated the experience more.

"Hey! Look what I found!" Owen said, holding up another turtle. Lawrence tried to feel some sort of kinship, like, you're a turtle, I'm a turtle, how about a little help here, new friend?

"Owen! Do you know what this means?" Conner said, picking up Lawrence in a way that was totally not a turn-on. (Did turtles have sex drives?) "They're trying to take over the world! It's a turtle revolution!"

Owen chuckled a bit. "Naw. I mean, c'mon, man. They're turtles."

_"I'm not, actually."_

"Yeah, you're right." Conner snapped his fingers. "They're aliens! Trying to lull us into a false sense of security by looking all cute and cuddly while secretly plotting to enslave the human race! Lawrence must have found out about their plans, so they made him disappear."

Owen looked at the turtle in his hand, then looked at Lawrence and said, "Uh."

"Don't be fooled by those cute, beady eyes and that innocent smiling mouth! Today, lettuce, tomorrow, the world! Or maybe, like, next year, because turtles are, like, super-slow."

"All right, so should we tell someone?" Owen asked.

"What, like a teacher?" Conner scoffed. "Pft! They're teachers, man! Teachers are useless! Or evil. Or both!"

"So what do you want to do?" Owen said.

 _"Probably make out a ton and then suck your cock or something,"_ Lawrence said. _"In a totally not gay way. While I'm watching."_

 _"Please. Language,"_ said the other turtle.

Owen was happily snoring away while Conner lie awake, doing his usual spiel of almost getting up and then not. One week ago Lawrence had found them in bed together - Conner claimed he'd gone to the bathroom and then crawled into the wrong bed by accident, and Owen had looked totally convinced that this was a thing people did.

And yes, okay, Conner was an idiot, and Owen had to know that on some level, but still. Seriously?

 _"So uh, you can talk?"_ Lawrence said to the other turtle. He assumed it was Maximus.

 _"Occasionally,"_ said the turtle. _"When I feel like it."_

 _"Huh,"_ Lawrence said.

 _"Quite,"_ said Maximus.

Lawrence woke up because someone was touching him in places where he'd normally want only one or two people to touch him (all right, two, because Conner might be an infuriating idiot sometimes, but he was Lawrence's infuriating idiot). The bad news was that he still seemed to be a turtle.

The good news -

"Heyyy, buddy," Conner said. "Want some company? It can get pretty chilly all by your lonesome, huh?"

_"Actually, I was doing fine, thanks."_

"Conner?" Owen said. "Is that you? Who're you talking to?"

"No one!" Conner said. Lawrence felt his heart rate pick up and okay, this was sort of cool. The whole up-close-and-personal thing; he could get used to that.

Eating lettuce all day, every day might almost be worth it.

"Oh," Owen said. He sounded disappointed. "I thought - never mind."

"All right fine, I was talking to the turtle. There, are you happy now? But I was only asking him about Lawrence, because Lawrence is my friend, and I would never cuddle with someone I suspected of harming him. Except that yes, okay, I did, because turtles are adorable and I miss Lawrence, like, a lot. Like, for real, man. Lawrence was special."

"Yeah," Owen said. "No, yeah, I get it. He really was. I miss him, too."

_"One, I'm right here. Two, it's been a day. A day!"_

"Yeah," Conner said. "Like, now that he's gone, I'm thinking back on all those times we argued or disagreed, you know, and I realize how stupid it was. I mean, sure, I was usually right and most of the time he was totally wrong, but we were friends, you know. And the idea of spending the rest of my life without him is just - it's crushing me, man. For real."

"Yeah," Owen said.

"Right now, I just want to feel like I'm not alone," Conner said. "I want to feel like there's still someone there for me. Someone I can trust. Someone who's going to put their arms around me and tell me that even without Lawrence, I'm still the most dope person they know and yes, it's totally cool if I want to touch their dick."

_"Dude. Pretty sure you're touching my dick right now."_

"Whoa. I uh," Owen said.

"Can you be that person for me, Owen?" Conner said. "If not, that's cool. Me and Nameless Turtle can cuddle and be very happy together, and if it turns out in the morning that he ate me, well, you know what to do. Well, you probably don't, but eh, I'll be dead, so who cares, right?"

"I think - "

"Yes?"

"I think maybe you should give the turtle a name. Like, I think it'd be nice," Owen said.

_"Oh, for fuck's sake."_

"And uh, I guess we can cuddle? If that's something you're into?"

_"Praise Merlin's hairy balls."_

Lawrence wasn't sure what, if anything, had ended up happening between Owen and Conner, but he woke up the next morning still in between them, nice and warm and toasty and maybe just a tiny bit sticky.

Also, Conner was sort of dry-humping him in his sleep.

"Ooh, Nameless Turtle, what soft skin you have. And what a big - "

"It's me, idiot," Lawrence said. Hearing his own voice felt ... weird. "Lawrence."

Conner opened one of his eyes, and then the other one. "What. Lawrence? You're alive! Owen! It's Lawrence! He's back!"

"Wait." Owen was a bit quicker: Lawrence watched him take in the fact that they were all naked, and in Owen's bed, and together, and with no signs of any turtles other than Maximus and - "That was you? The turtle was you? You turned into a turtle?"

"Yeah." Lawrence scratched his beard. (He realized he'd missed his beard.) "Still not sure how that happened, but I guess it wore off or something."

"Oh my god," Conner whispered sotto voce to Owen. "He's a were-turtle!"

"For the last time, I'm _not_ a werewolf," Lawrence said. "Or a were-anything. All right? Do you want me to write it down in my own blood or something?"

"What, so you expect me to believe it's Owen?" Conner asked. "Seriously, man, you can tell me."

"How about I put a sock in your mouth instead?" Lawrence said.

"How about you put something not a sock in my mouth instead?" Conner countered.

"So about that whole 'one of us is a werewolf' thing," Owen said.

"Yes, fine, it's me," Conner said. "Can we get back to the more important stuff now?"

**Author's Note:**

> if at this point you're asking, 'but why are three grown men attending Hogwarts?', here's an epilogue especially for you:
> 
> _"Wow, that was some dope weed, man," Conner said._
> 
> if, like a sensible human being, you skipped this author's note, because author's notes are boring: I love you, random citizen! and I hope you enjoyed this fic. <3


End file.
